Beth Zalantai, MSc, is a clinically trained mental health professional with extensive experience delivering and supervising evidence-based psychological care. As a mom and therapist, Beth provides compassionate support for moms navigating their mental health.
As a mother, you may often feel intense pressure to do everything “right” and meet every need your children have. Social media often portrays “supermoms” who not only do it all, but do it effortlessly and perfectly. This leaves many moms feeling exhausted and inadequate and, over time, can lead to burnout.
But the truth is, there's no such thing as a perfect mother, and your child doesn’t need a perfect parent. In fact, letting go of perfectionism and embracing “good enough” can actually benefit your child . In this article, we’ll explore what it means to be a “good enough parent” and how it can support your wellbeing.
When you hear the phrase “good enough,” you may imagine settling for less, mediocrity, or giving up. But when it comes to parenting, being "good enough" is not just sufficient but, in many ways, optimal.
British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott studied thousands of baby-mother interactions. He found that when mothers let their babies down in tolerable ways, the babies grow up to be more resilient. Winnicott argued that occasionally failing or making mistakes creates opportunities for children to learn and adapt to challenges they’ll encounter in life.
Here are some everyday examples of "tolerable" ways we may let down our children:
These moments of imperfection can help your child learn to navigate challenging situations with resilience.
You might wonder how “good enough” parenting can actually be enough. The answer comes from attachment science. Attachment science is the study of the bond between babies and their caregivers. When caregivers consistently respond to their babies’ needs, the babies develop what’s called a secure attachment. Securely attached babies feel safe, loved, protected, and confident in their caregiver's presence. When a caregiver responds with reassurance and affection, the baby learns they can trust their caregiver. This trust and feeling of security help the baby build a strong emotional foundation.
Research shows that parents don’t have to be perfect to help their children feel secure. In one study, researcher Susan S. Woodhouse found that comforting a crying baby at least half the time can help build a strong attachment. But she also found that providing a reliable “home base” for babies to return for comfort was even more influential.
This means you don’t need to worry about responding perfectly to every cry or cue. Your love, care, and presence are what truly matter, and they give your child the security they need to thrive. When your baby knows they always have a secure place to return to, they can explore, learn, and grow with confidence.
Knowing about the "good enough parent" concept is one thing. Putting it into practice can be an entirely different challenge. Here are some ideas:
Each parent has their own idea of what it means to be “good enough,” shaped by childhood, media, family, or social influences. Start paying attention to the definitions taking shape in your mind. Consider where these definitions may be coming from, and ask yourself whether they are truly aligned with your values. If not, consider how you can redefine them based on your children’s needs and the things that are important to you.
If you’re doing your best to adapt to your children’s needs, it’s okay to make mistakes. You're providing consistent love and care in the long term.
Embracing imperfection can also set a powerful example for your little ones. If your child is old enough to understand, it’s okay to apologize when you make a mistake. Apologizing to your child models this behavior for them and helps them understand that we can learn and grow from our mistakes.
Remember that a single mistake won't define the kind of person your child will become. Their growth is shaped by the accumulation of many choices and experiences over time.
Allowing your children to make decisions and experience the consequences of their actions can help them become more resilient. Instead of trying to prevent your children from encountering difficult situations, you can be there to love and support them when they do.
Putting the “good enough” philosophy into practice can be hard when mom guilt gets in the way. Our Letting Go of Mom Guilt Journey is designed to help you release unrealistic expectations, embrace self-compassion, and remind yourself that your love and care are enough. Start the Journey here.
Embracing the good enough mom philosophy is about shifting from trying to meet an impossible standard to recognizing that your best is enough. By striving to be a “good enough” caregiver instead of a perfect one, you not only help your children grow but also relieve yourself of the pressure to meet external expectations. It opens the door to self-compassion and can grow your confidence in your abilities as a parent. Remember, your child needs you—a healthy and happy you, not a perfect you.