Beth Zalantai, MSc, is a clinically trained mental health professional with extensive experience delivering and supervising evidence-based psychological care. As a mom and therapist, Beth provides compassionate support for moms navigating their mental health.
As a busy mom, self-care can feel like just another task on your list of things that you feel like should be doing. But self-care doesn’t have to be complicated, time-consuming, or guilt-inducing. At its core, self-care is about reconnecting with who you are, even in just a few minutes a day, so you can show up for yourself and your family as the type of parent and person you want to be.
Self-care activities often get confused with self-improvement. You may have seen lists of "self-care tips” on social media with things like get some physical activity, get a pedicure, or do a skincare routine. If these are things that help you feel like you, great. If not, these are more about self-improvement that self-care.
The truth is, self-care isn’t about meeting a standard. It’s about meeting yourself where you are. When taking care of yourself feels like a “should,” it’s missing the point. For example, “I want to be fitter, so I should go to the gym.” These types of activities are for self-improvement.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t do these things. Setting goals and working toward them can be fulfilling. But it’s worth asking: Whose standard am I trying to meet? Is this truly important to me, or is it something I feel pressured to do? Will I feel rested and rejuvenated after doing this activity?
Self-care is about doing things that recharge you, bring you joy, or help you reconnect with yourself. On an episode of the That New Mom Life podcast, doula Latham Thomas offers one of the simplest ways to practice self-care: ask yourself, “What do I need to feel supported right now?” or, “How can I parent myself in this moment?”
The answer might be something small, like drinking a glass of water, stepping outside for fresh air, or sending a quick text to a friend. Or it might be carving out a few minutes for a hobby, rest, or quiet. When you make this kind of check-in part of your day, self-care becomes less about following a prescribed routine and more about meeting your needs in the moment.
Some parents feel guilty prioritizing their own needs and spending time on things they enjoy. Society feeds us the narrative that being selfless and constantly available is what makes a “good mom,” but this expectation is both unrealistic and unachievable. No human can give undivided attention to a baby or child indefinitely, and trying to do so only sets us up for stress and burnout.
In fact, a national report shows that the levels of excellent mental health for mothers with children between the ages of 0 to 17 declined 12 percentage points from 2016 to 2023. With daily stressors stacked high and structural support often lacking, it's no surprise so many moms are feeling overwhelmed.
This is why finding time for self-care is so important. Caregiving is exhausting. Practicing self-care helps you show up more fully for your child in the long run, allowing you to be more patient, emotionally available, and engaged. By honoring your own needs, you’re modeling self-compassion and self-love for your children. Taking these small steps helps you nurture yourself while also creating a family environment where everyone benefits.
If guilt is standing in the way of getting more alone time, the Letting Go of Mom Guilt Journey in the Moment for Parents app can help you trade self-criticism for self-compassion. You’ll learn how to release unrealistic expectations, embrace self-compassion, and enjoy parenthood guilt-free.
At its core, self-care is about rest. Physician and wellness expert Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith has identified seven types of rest, each addressing a unique aspect of your own well-being. Even if you’re excelling in one area of rest, you can still feel drained if other types of rest are being neglected. Each type of rest serves a distinct purpose, and an imbalance can leave you feeling fatigued in ways that sleep alone can’t fix. Understanding these types of rest can help you notice where you're feeling most depleted and where a little self-care might go a long way.
Emotional rest involves letting yourself feel what you're feeling without putting on a brave face. This might look like texting a friend to say, “Today is really hard,” or taking a few minutes alone in the bathroom to breathe and cry if you need to. It could also look like saying a positive affirmation to honor your emotions in that moment.
Mental rest helps quiet the running to-do list in your head. You might jot down your thoughts on a sticky note, pause to take three deep breaths while feeding your baby, or give yourself permission to leave a task undone. Mental rest could also be escaping into a story by reading a good book or listening to a podcast.
Social rest means stepping back from draining interactions or leaning into the ones that refill your cup. For some, this might look like “me time” while for others it might mean more social interaction. Social rest could be skipping a group chat that feels overwhelming, or sending a voice message to a loved one who always gets it.
Creative rest is about soaking in beauty or play without any pressure. You might doodle during nap time, sing softly to your child, or rearrange a small corner of the room in a way that feels calming. These moments invite your mind to wander gently.
Sensory rest helps ease the overload from constant stimulation. You might turn off background noise, mute your phone notifications, or step outside for a quiet breath of fresh air. Perhaps a warm cup of coffee or tea might feel soothing.
Spiritual rest is about connecting to something greater than yourself. This might look like taking a moment to pray, meditate, or repeat a mantra that’s meaningful to you.
Physical rest is about restoring your body through relaxation and movement. This could be some gentle stretching while waiting for coffee to brew, taking your baby for a casual walk outside, or using a heating pad or warm washcloth on sore muscles. It’s about easing tension, not adding effort.
Next, let’s walk through creating a plan to make sure you can reliably fit self-care into your daily routine. Remember, self-care doesn’t need to take up a lot of time in your day. While a full spa day might be nice, it’s not realistic for a busy mom.
One way to make it easier is to create your own “menu” of self-care items to choose from. These are short, doable activities that you can choose from whenever you have a few spare moments Let’s walk through how you can create this self-care menu.
Step 1: Review the seven types of rest we described above. Can you identify three activities that feel restorative for you for each type of rest?
Step 2: Reconnect with your past self. In addition to being a parent, you’re also an individual with your own passions, values, and interests. Those parts of you matter just as much now as they did before you became a parent, and staying connected to them can help you feel more grounded and whole. What are the core parts of your identity that make you feel like you?
In your pre-child life, you might have spent hours engaging in your hobbies and the things you love. While you may not be able to recreate exactly how things used to be, you can still weave pieces of your identity into the life you have now. Think about the activities that once made you feel energized or inspired. How could you still connect with these parts of yourself in just a few minutes?
Step 3: Identify child-friendly self-care activities. These are self-care activities that you can do while also caring for your child. This might be jogging while pushing your baby in a stroller, sketching while your baby sits in a bouncy seat, or doing a mommy and me yoga class. Kate Rope, author of Strong As a Mother: How to Stay Healthy, Happy, and (Most Importantly) Sane from Pregnancy to Parenthood: The Only Guide to Taking Care of YOU! explains how a few simple adjustments can make your favorite activities possible: “And all that takes is modifying your routine so that your child can fit into it. For instance, if Zumba is your jam, then find a YMCA or gym that offers childcare while you shimmy your stress away.”
Step 4: Group your self-care activities into time categories. You might find that some activities are easy to schedule. For example, a book club might be a great way to get mental rest through reading and social rest by connecting with others. This type of self-care can be added to the calendar, and you can coordinate the child-care you need to be able to attend.
Other self-care activities can’t be scheduled, but are crucial when you find yourself with a moment of free time. Review the list of acitivities that you came up with and determine: What can do when you only have 5 minutes of time? How about 15 minutes?
Step 5: Add this list of self-care activities to a note in your phone. When you find yourself with a few moments of time, you can return to this list and do something to restore yourself, rather than mindlessly scrolling on social media.
Reconnecting with the parts of yourself that make you feel whole isn’t just self-care; it’s also a powerful way to ease postpartum loneliness. If you’re craving more support in navigating identity shifts and finding connection, explore the Overcoming Postpartum Loneliness Journey in the Moment for Parents app. You’ll reflect on what makes you feel most like you, discover ways to nurture meaningful relationships, and find support that truly fits your needs.
There will be some items on your self-care menu where you will need to protect your time and energy. For example, if yoga gives you a sense of physical rest, you’ll need to find time to practice yoga regularly. Of course, this could take many forms. For example, you could go to a class in-person or you could follow a video at home. Either way, you need to make sure your family understands that this is your protected time.
This is where a setting a boundary comes in. A boundary is an expectation for how you want to be treated and cared for. If it feels uncomfortable to ask for protected time for yourself, here are some basic steps to follow:
Step 1: Write down your desired boundary. Before initiating a conversation about boundaries, take the time to write them down. This exercise helps you clarify your thoughts and ensures that you can clearly articulate your boundaries when discussing them with others.
Step 2: Talk through them with someone you trust. Sharing your boundaries with someone you trust can provide valuable support and guidance. They can help you refine your boundaries, offer insights, and provide reassurance. Their perspective may also help you consider potential challenges or adjustments that could enhance your boundary-setting process.
Step 3: Explain the reason behind your boundaries. While not always necessary, explaining the reasoning behind your boundaries can foster understanding and empathy from those you are communicating with.
Step 4: Be direct and clear. Use assertive language and avoid ambiguity or vagueness. Clearly express what you are comfortable with, what you are not comfortable with, and any specific expectations you may have. Being straightforward allows others to better understand your boundaries and reduces the likelihood of miscommunication or misunderstandings.
Even if this sounds uncomfortable, remember that taking care of yourself is necessary to be a good mom and show up as your best self.
Self-care is a way of protecting your energy so you can keep showing up as your best self. You don’t need a full day at the spa or a perfect morning routine to start. Just choose one small thing from your self-care “menu” and give yourself permission to do it today.
Your well-being matters, both for you and for the people you love most.