Transforming Anger

Principles

Culturally, anger is not an easy emotion to face. It's why many parents wish they could "stop" or "control" their anger. But just as with our other emotions, anger isn't something we can eliminate.

At its core, anger is a defense mechanism. When you experience emotions like hurt, fear, or sadness, they can make you feel open and exposed. Anger can emerge as a way to cover up these more vulnerable feelings, providing a sense of emotional armor.

With that in mind, what if you approached anger with curiosity, seeing it as a signal rather than a problem to fix? When you pause to notice what’s beneath anger, you open the door to understanding yourself more deeply and finding real relief.

Here are a few ways to start transforming your relationship with anger:

• When you notice anger rising, pause and ask yourself: What softer feelings might be underneath? Try journaling about what’s really going on.
• Practice sharing these softer emotions with a trusted friend or partner. Use “I feel…” statements to express vulnerability and invite support.
• Clearly state what you need, whether it’s a break, a listening ear, or help with a task.
• If anger is directed at your child, reach out to another adult for support, or take a short break to breathe and reset before responding.
• Try a simple grounding exercise: close your eyes, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel.
  

Every time you slow down and listen to your anger, you’re practicing self-compassion and showing your child how to do the same. You don’t need to fix the feeling. Just stay with it long enough to learn what it’s trying to say.

Perspectives

Ruth King, educator, life coach, meditation teacher and author, reframes anger as the starting point for growth:

Rage sits at the crossroads of personal transformation. Rage is not to be understood as a useless emotion, empty of knowledge. Rather, rage is fierce clarity and untapped fuel — when we push rage away, we can’t learn from it.

from Healing Rage

As Elise Loehnen, author and cultural critic, points out:

How many of us are spending our good anger on what everyone else is doing wrong—the blaming and shaming—rather than figuring out how to bring peace and change, first to ourselves, then to the world?

from On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to be Good

Pause for Reflection

How might you listen to your anger this weekend?

Learn how to manage stress-induced anger in the Moment for Parents app.

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