Beth Zalantai, MSc, is a clinically trained mental health professional with extensive experience delivering and supervising evidence-based psychological care. As a mom and therapist, Beth provides compassionate support for moms navigating their mental health.
In our society, anger and rage are often seen as “bad” emotions, which is why many parents want to stop or control their anger. While you can take steps to reduce your anger, what feelings arise and when is ultimately beyond your control.
Instead of labeling feelings as good or bad, what if you saw them as helpful messages from your body and mind? Emotions can act as signals, letting you know when you need something. When you try to push them away or shut them down, you can’t hear what they’re trying to tell you.
What if, instead of trying to control your anger, you paused to listen to it and considered how you want to respond?
In this article, we’ll explore what you can do when you feel yourself getting angry at your child and how to respond with self-compassion.
Because of the way our society perceives anger, you may feel guilty when it shows up. You might think something like, A good parent wouldn’t feel like this. But everyone gets angry sometimes. Feeling angry doesn’t make you a bad parent; it makes you human.
When you start to feel anger rising, your first instinct may be to react right away. But taking even a brief pause can create the space you need to respond in a way that aligns with the kind of parent you want to be. Just like you, your child will feel angry sometimes. Using your emotions in a way that supports you allows you to respond the way you’d like, rather than letting impulses take over. And in doing so, you’re showing your child how they can handle their own big emotions.
When you sense anger bubbling up, these three steps can help you create space to respond instead of react:
Identifying the early signs that your anger is building can help you step in before it boils over. These signs can look different for everyone: maybe you notice your voice getting louder, your shoulders tensing, or a churning feeling in your stomach. These are cues from your body that it’s time to pause and check in with yourself.
Taking a pause can be tough in the heat of the moment, but letting anger take over only adds fuel to the fire. You need to put out your own flames before you can put out your child’s. Here are some strategies you can use to pause when anger starts to rise:
Just breathe
Slow, deliberate breathing helps calm your nervous system. Try inhaling through your nose for a count of four, holding for four, and exhaling through your mouth for a count of six. Even three deep breaths can help shift your body out of “fight” mode and back toward calm.
Use your 5 senses
Grounding yourself in the present moment can help interrupt the spiral of anger. Try naming one thing you can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. This focus on your senses can bring you back into your body and make it easier to choose how you want to respond.
Use a calming mantra
Repeating a simple phrase can anchor you when emotions are high. You might try, “This will pass,” “Calm, ease, release,” or “My child is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.” Choose a phrase that feels grounding and repeat it silently to yourself.
If it’s safe to do so, give yourself a moment of physical space. You can move into another room, step into the hallway, or even turn your body away for a few seconds. If your child is old enough, you can say something like, “I’m feeling really frustrated right now, so I need a break before we keep talking.” If your child is familiar with “timeout,” you can explain that you’re putting yourself in timeout to help yourself calm down.
If you have a partner or another support person nearby, you can ask them to step in while you take a moment to breathe and reset. Having someone else handle the situation for a few minutes can give you the break you need to calm down and come back feeling more grounded.
When you’re out in public or somewhere you can’t physically separate from your child, you can still create space by closing your eyes or turning your gaze away for a moment.
If you do respond to your child more harshly than you intended, that’s okay. While you can’t change what happened, you can take intentional steps to repair your relationship and show your child how to make amends after a mistake. It’s okay to apologize and own up to your actions. Take a moment to explain why you were frustrated and why you reacted the way you did. Apologizing to your child and explaining how you felt models the kind of behavior you want from your child, too. It helps them understand that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s possible to make things right afterward.
One of the most common triggers for parental anger is when a child doesn’t follow directions. This can be frustrating, but shifting how you ask or engage with your child can help reduce power struggles and make cooperation easier.
In their book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish write, “There’s nothing like a little humor to galvanize children into action and to perk up the mood in the household.” When you need your child to do something, approaching the situation with playfulness can make a big difference. Humor and imagination resonate with kids, so tapping into your goofy side can encourage your child to cooperate.
Authors of How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen Joanna Faber and Julie King suggest tactics like using a silly voice, making an inanimate object give the request, or turning tasks into a challenge or game. Taking a moment to tune into what your child wants in the moment can help you reframe your request accordingly. For example, if your child wants to keep playing with their toys and you need them to clean up, you can play a song and challenge your child to put all the toys away before the song ends. This playful approach can shift their mindset and make cooperation feel like a game.
Anger is a sign from your body and mind that something needs attention. You can think of it like your body’s warning light flashing on the dashboard, telling you to pause and check in.
When you notice anger coming up, this may mean that you need:
When you treat anger as a helpful signal instead of something to push away, you open the door to understanding what you need. And when your needs are met, you can show up more fully for yourself and your family.
Every time you slow down and listen to your anger, you’re practicing self-compassion and showing your child how to do the same. You don’t need to fix the feeling. Just stay with it long enough to learn what it’s trying to say.
If you’d like support with handling anger, rage, and stress, the Managing Stress Journey in the Moment for Parents app can help you identify your triggers and develop healthy coping strategies. Each step offers tools to help you respond to your emotions in a way that aligns with the kind of parent you want to be.
As a parent, it’s easy to put your own needs on the back burner while tending to the demands of your family. But when you’re exhausted and burned out, your patience wears thin, and it’s harder to stay calm in challenging moments with your children. Making your well-being a long-term priority can help prevent burnout and extend your patience.
Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup. When you make space to care for yourself, you give yourself the ability to live by your values and be the kind of parent you want to be.
Feeling restored is about more than just getting enough sleep. Physician and wellness expert Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith identifies seven types of rest that support different parts of your well-being. Even if you’re excelling in one area of rest, you can still feel drained if other types of rest are being neglected. Understanding these types of rest can help you notice where you’re feeling depleted and where you might need to recharge:
Tending to these different types of rest helps build your reserves so that when anger does show up, you have the space and energy to respond thoughtfully.
Anger is a part of being human, and feeling it doesn’t make you a bad parent. Instead of trying to stop or control anger, you can start to see it as a signal and consider what it might be telling you. When you pause and respond to anger with intention and compassion, you’re not just caring for yourself; you’re also modeling emotional awareness and self-kindness for your child.